desires · how I got here · me

So, who DO I want to be, anyway?

This stems from a question my counselor asked me in my last session (“Counselor” sounds so much better than “therapist”, doesn’t it?). “If you were to wake up tomorrow morning with exactly the life you wanted, what would it look like?” Since apparently there’s nothing I can do to make “win the lottery and buy my own private island complete with hot cabana boys” come true, I decided to dig a little deeper into my own mind while writing in my journal and ask “Who do I want to be?”

Pen in hand, I asked myself that question. Funny that the first thing that popped into my mind was “A runner.”

Self: Yep.
Me: You’re sure?
Self: Uh huh. Actually, we should do at least a half-marathon.
Me: I can’t even walk up the two flights of stairs to my apartment without getting out of breath. I think 13.1 miles is a little…ambitious.
Self: You better get started, then.

Yes, I talk to myself sometimes. I even answer, obviously. I’m a Gemini. What do you expect?

Thank God, “a runner” isn’t all my true self wants to be. I also want to be a writer. Active. Happy. Healthy. Loved. To do something meaningful, to help save the world. I want to travel, to do things. I want to be daring, brave, self-assured, self-confident (apparently not the same thing).

So, how do I become this person? Well, pretty much the only way I can figure out is to just go out and do it. It sounds simple, doesn’t it? Yeah, right. Have I mentioned I’m a chicken? I’m shy, too. But I’m not going to let that stop me. Not anymore. So, a more truthful answer would be a little bit at a time.

I’ve been walking regularly for the past few weeks (well, obviously I’ve been walking for 30-something years, but for exercise purposes…), but tomorrow I’m going to add in a little bit of jogging. No need to dash right out and attempt the whole 13.1 miles right now….I’ve been writing fiction for about 15 years, but I’m going to start a new story next week, as well as work on revising an older one. That takes care of: runner, writer, and active. I’m working on being happy and healthy. I’m going to school to help save the world. I can’t afford to travel right now, but maybe next summer. I can’t do a thing about “loved”. As for “daring, brave, self-assured, and self-confident”, well, I’m taking it on faith that putting it into practice by taking baby steps will eventually turn me into all of those things.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s