depression · insomnia · just because · me

Little things

I feel like I should make a few things clear. When I say I’m trying to “find my inner Kate,” I do not mean I’m looking to find a man, get married, settle down, and have babies. No. Please don’t get me wrong, I would love to get married again. To the right man this time. But I’m not in a hurry for that. And I don’t want kids. That’s a realization I’ve come to over the past few years. This world is crazy, and I don’t want to bring anyone else into it. I don’t think I’m cut out to be a parent. I love kids, I just don’t want any of my own. There are too many other things I want to do. Finding my inner Kate is about being strong enough to live my life and enjoy it, to accomplish everything I want to do, not fall apart because a man I loved left me. Period.

There are a lot of things involved in finding my true self. My job is full-time but I only work three days a week (looong days), so I was off today. And since school is out for the semester, I didn’t technically have any homework or studying to do. That does not mean I sat around all day eating bonbons and doing nothing. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I feel guilty if I’m not doing something. So, I critiqued a chapter for someone in my crit group. Posted a new chapter of my own. Did yoga, strength training, and cardio (Sadly, my inner runner is still inner…but I’m going to throw in some jogging on Thursday. If I don’t blog that day, it’s because I’m still passed out somewhere…). Edited a couple of chapters in the novel I’m revising. Brainstormed on the new story I’m planning to start Thursday. And…studied. Yes, I’m a bit of a nerd. Why do you ask? I know it’s Christmas break, but with all the misery that was last semester, I had to drop a couple of classes just to make it through. One of those was Organic Chemistry, which I now have to re-take next semester. So I’m trying to get a jump on a subject that’s rather difficult for me.

My counselor and I have discussed the importance of self-care. Yes, I have a problem doing nothing, but as part of my “therapy”, I’ve decided to take one day a week to do nothing except what I want to do. Generally, this means Sunday. It’s my way of honoring the Sabbath, as well as a way to re-charge and relax before the week starts over. So the other three days that I don’t work, well, I do a lot. The Saint has told me before that she’s amazed by the number of things I accomplish before 9 a.m. Insomnia is one of the side effects of depression, and I don’t sleep well, so I might as well get up and do something constructive, right?

As part of my self-care this week, yesterday I splurged and got a manicure. I spend all day at work changing gloves, so my hands are a wreck. I used to get solar nails, but my company changed the policy, so we can’t have artificial nails, so I haven’t been to the salon in months. which was evident when I walked in and one of the ladies that worked there said “Where have you BEEN?” So, there I am, staring at the menu of services, trying to decide what to get, and she’s “helping” me. “Oh, you need a manicure. Definitely. Look at your cuticles!” Thank you, lady. I KNOW. Why do you think I’m here? “You need hot wax. Not the cucumber melon. Get the champagne.” Yes, ma’am. Then she looked up, eyed me critically, took the pen from my hand and checked off “eyebrow waxing.” Really? Are you trying to tell me something? I mean, I know it’s been months, but wow. Honestly, I was planning on getting them waxed anyway, but that had me scurrying after her with my hand over my face. I ended up getting the top-of-the-line manicure. Let me just say: it’s called Peace of Mind in Paradise for a reason. Yes, having my hands totally taken care of was awesome, and I love the hot wax treatment (on my hands), but the BEST part of the whole experience was the 20-minute hot stone massage on my neck and shoulders. If I could have laid down right then, I’m sure I would have actually slept through the entire night. Amazing. I’m pretty sure I’ll be adding that experience to my monthly self-care plan. Besides, she talked me into getting a gel French manicure on top of my own nails, so I have to go back to keep it maintained. Right?

Some days, it truly is the little things that make everything all right.



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