break up · depression · fears · me · memories · moving on

letting go

It’s the end of the year, so I guess it’s fitting that this weekend, I’ve been a little down. This has been a hard year for me. Superman and I broke up–for the first time–in January. I had no warning at all. His deployment was looming, and his mindset shifted, leading to the break up, because he “didn’t think it was fair to ask me to wait for him for two years.” (Nevermind the fact that he never actually asked me if I’d be willing to wait.) It took months for me to get over that, while he was still in California. We were still in contact, and I knew he missed me and still loved me. He told me “No matter what the status of “us,” you’ll always be home to me. We started talking pretty much every day, and in June he found out he was coming home. I was so happy. SO happy. We pretty much picked back up where we’d been before the break up. Then, two months later, he started getting a little distant. I knew he was depressed because of his circumstances, but I didn’t push it. Then he ended things again. This time…well, it was harder for me this time, because there was no reason for us not to be together. He was here. We had all these plans for the future. We should have been building our lives together. Instead, he chose to be selfish and childish, and our relationship frightened him because he’d never experienced anything like it before (Of course not. What do you expect when you’ve dated only much-younger party girls your whole life? He was the one who said “Could you just stick around for the next 50 years or so?). So he chose to withdraw from everything, be angry at the world, and start drinking heavily again.

sad

I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. It’s hard, re-doing your life plan when you thought you had everything all figured out. We had these plans, and I wanted them so badly. I still want them, if I’m being honest. (And if nothing else, this blog is about honesty. Bleeding on the paper, so to speak.) I’ve been missing him badly lately. Last year at this time, we had so much fun. We had a great Christmas, a great New Year’s, then we spent a week in New Orleans that was fantastic. Then everything ended. So, memories are always on the verge of pulling me under, back into the blackness. I’ve been fighting it, but it’s hard. I’ve barely heard from him at all lately. He’ll respond, if I text him. Once. But I never hear from him.

goodbye

I’m trying, very hard, to let go and move on. New year, new beginning (even if it’s not what I want). I’m writing a new story. I started a new blog, an environmental blog, since that, along with writing, is my other great love. I’m trying to get out and do things. In short, I’m trying to finally let him go completely.

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