There’s been a lot going on lately.  I’m dealing with some emotional issues related to the ex that I (might) feel like talking about soon.  For now, here’s the gist of conversations I’ve had recently with Super Mom and The Saint….

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Why are we always trying to lose weight?  Obviously, because we need to.  Yes.  But WHY do we never succeed?  I can think of one time when everything clicked for me–eating, working out, everything–and I lost like 40 pounds or so, and weighed in at 149.  That’s the lowest I can ever remember weighing.  I was unhappy with my marriage, and we almost split up then, but I was scared and didn’t want to “give up” so soon.  Then we moved back to Arkansas, and I stopped doing anything, and gained it ALL back–plus some.

But do you remember a time, including high school, and hell, probably middle school, when we weren’t trying to lose weight?  Or, if not actively trying, at least conscious of the need to lose weight?  So what’s the deal?  Is it laziness?  Busyness?  Fear of failure?  Or fear of success?  Honestly, for me, I think it’s the last one.  Bear with me.  I’ll try to explain.

It’s like this:  right now, I’m overweight.  I can blame a lot of my problems on being overweight*:

1)  I don’t have a boyfriend (because I’m overweight).

2)  I don’t dress cute (because I’m overweight).

3)  I don’t go sky-diving–or whatever– (because I’m overweight).

4)  I can’t run (because I’m overweight).

5)  I’m self-conscious and awkward (because I’m overweight).

*Note*:  these are not actually listed in the order I care about them in.  They are simply listed in the order they occurred to me.

All those things are kind of like a security blanket.  They’re protective, cozy, comforting…but they all boil down to the same excuse.  All of those things I want, those things I want to do, my excuse–to myself–for not having/doing them is “because I’m overweight”.  That means I don’t have to take chances.  I don’t have to take risks.  I don’t have to step outside of my comfort zone.  So, in essence, my psyche/subconscious/evil twin keeps me overweight so I don’t have to be uncomfortable or take risks.  OVERWEIGHT is SAFE.  Kinda seems ridiculous when I put it like that, doesn’t it?

So what do we do about it?  Here’s the thing:  I think part of the problem before has been that we don’t have a specific goal in mind.  And I don’t mean “I want to lose X pounds.”  I mean a goal.  Numbers on a scale are all well and good, but are they really more important than feeling good about yourself and being able to do the things you want to?  No.  I finally admitted–out loud and in public–something that I’ve wanted to do for years but never really talked about:  run a marathon.  I’m serious.  I want to train for a marathon.  It’s a goal I can commit to, one that’s not scale-based, and it’s something that both terrifies me and yet I really want to do it.

I think it’s finally time I shed some things.  Not just pounds, but fears, reservations, and a self-sabotaging attitude.  I’ve been through so much over the past year and half, and I’ve come out of it a stronger person.  It’s time to start acting like it.