depression · desires · faith · fears · God · half marathon · how I got here · me · working out · worrying

oops

So, I’m supposed to be training for the R2R Grand Canyon hike in May.  I’m not.  Not really.  I mean, I’m doing some light strength training twice a week, but that’s it.  (Confession:  I’ve done it twice so far.  Today will be three times.)  I’ve figured out what the problem is:

(Sub
(Sub “work out” for “clean the house” and this is about right.)

(What I can’t figure out is why she’s lounging around naked with a broken leg.  Seriously?  With just a strategically-placed length of cloth?  Hmm.  Maybe I should re-think my wardrobe…)  I just cannot get motivated to do cardio.  Might as well go out and do a half-marathon.  Wait…bad analogy, since I just did one.  Anyway.  Basically, I need a friend that combines the niceness of Pollyanna with the sternness of a drill sergeant. Know anyone?

***

On a (mostly) unrelated note, why do depressed people migrate to my life?  Is depression that common, or do I just attract them somehow?  I have two exes with severe depression issues.  I’ve dealt with it myself.  And now Steve is severely depressed. I want, very much, to support him and help him through this.  He needs a friend.  I’m there…or at least, I would be if he’d let me.

See, I can’t support you if I don’t ever see you, and rarely talk to you.  If you don’t even answer a text message, it’s hard for me to tamp down my irritation to reply when I do hear from you.  If you shut everyone out of your life, who is there for you?  No one.

I told him about my experiences with depression.  I’m sure the Diva, the Saint, and everyone in my life despaired for me until the Cynic finally got through to me and I found a counselor.  Who also made sure I went to my doc and got put on meds, short-term.  I have suggested a similar course to Steve roughly a thousand times with no result but “I’ll call my doc tomorrow.”  (Which kept not happening.)  Getting…really tired of being supportive and yet being completely shut out, I sent him a text (pretty much my only communication option) last night.  The gist of it was “Hey, I’ve tried to be supportive, but you won’t let me.  I can’t keep being the only one trying, because of issues from my own past, which you keep saying I shouldn’t let affect my future (True, but when the past keeps repeating itself…). So, I’m here for you if you need me, but I’m done putting the only effort out.”  I promptly heard nothing.

And continued to hear nothing all morning.  Then the phone rang about noon.  Steve called, while working (He never does that.), to chat–and tell me he has an appointment with a therapist this Thursday.  This step encourages me a lot, because a therapist was something he absolutely was refusing to consider.  I’m very happy he’s taking this step.  I hope, so much, that it helps.

But I’m still not going to be the only one putting out any effort.  I hope he decides to, too.

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